The funny thing is when I posted this on my facebook, I got likes from people on both sides of the political spectrum; so it seems everyone is feeling this way these days. I find it strange that intelligent people can form such divergent opinions on the same topic given all the same information.
I digress. So, I have to figure out how to turn this around. I don't want Wretched PMS Bitch to come back, but I know she will if I don't get busy. I think it would be best for me to start actually getting up early again. I think that's really at the bottom of all of my routines falling apart. Now that I think about it, I do believe some of the reason things fell apart, too, was the time that I just got slightly off track. Right around the time Isaac happened, a couple of my friends who were expecting had their babies. This time period also coincided with my due date in early September, so I was really depressed as a result. I have been feeling better lately, since I've pushed through all the miserable feelings of that specific time period when I was supposed to have a baby in my arms but didn't. I'm not saying it's a turning point, but it is another significant milestone I've survived. I did feel better last night after watching the season 4 premiere of ABC's Modern Family, in which Cameron and Mitchell were discussing the disappointment and sadness they felt at not getting the baby they were planning to adopt. It helped me realize that expecting a child and then not having a baby in your arms is emotionally difficult, no matter what. I think many women who miscarry (myself included) feel like they shouldn't be sad for long because they were "only" pregnant for X weeks or months. I had never thought about the pain of expectant adoptive parents who have their souls crushed by not getting the baby they've just "known" was going to be theirs. It is an odd thing... how painful we humans find it when our hopes are dashed... how emotionally wrenching is the incongruity between our greatest expectations and reality. This is seeming more and more universal to me.
So, back to my goal-setting. I don't have to go out and run every day, but I do need to get up early every day. It isn't fair to myself to get up at different times every day and expect that magically I'm going to be able to get the same amount done every day. Don't get me wrong. It's not the exercise I miss. I didn't love getting up before dawn and exerting myself. What I did love was having the chance to bless my body via exercise and then bless my soul via writing or painting before my daughter even woke up. I felt less stressed and more accomplished before the day even really began. That let me enjoy my time with my daughter much more. Perhaps if I can't find the motivation within myself every day to get up early and do my body and soul blessings, I can be motivated by my drive to be a better mother for my beautiful baby girl.
