Pushing through the pain

   Been doing lots of furniture refinishing... and one thing I know for sure is I do not ever want to do that for a living.  I would if I had to, but hopefully it will never come to that.  Of course, it is satisfying to look at the results and see the fruits of my labor; but, mostly it is messy, smelly work that doesn't engage the mind too much... leaving my thoughts to wander where they will, which is often to doubleplusungood places. 
   The nice thing is now my daughter has a pretty white table that cost me all of $10 and some labor, and the guestroom has a beautiful white bed that cost me only labor (since it was given to me for free... thanks, Dad).  So, now that the bed is done, I have to make way for it in the guestroom.  It's funny how grief sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it.  I was packing away the diaper bags and cloth diapers that had been stored in the guestroom since my newly potty-trained little girl no longer needs them.  All I could think of was the fact that these were supposed to be for the new baby.  I was supposed to have a baby next month.  I'm still crying, and I'm fairly sure at this point that I'll never be "over" this.  Like any death, you never stop thinking of the one you lost... nothing ever makes you whole again.  I say this as someone who has lost a sister and a very dear grandmother.  I get that it's not the same, but in some ways it is the same.  I was deeply bonded to the baby I lost and took for granted the fact that I would have that child in my life forever.  That child is lost, and the loss is as real as any loss I've ever experienced.
   For better or worse, though, I've got to push through this pain and embrace where I am in life.  My life is truly blessed, and I'm so thankful for my mother, my husband, my daughter, my father, in-laws, cousins and friends, my home, car, my husband's good job, financial security, the freedoms afforded to me as an American, nutritious food, health insurance, my health coach, and so many other things I am sure I'm leaving out.  I just had to enumerate those for myself, to remind myself. 
   I have to get out in the morning and run, especially since I only ran two days this week.  I failed mainly because I was staying up too late, which made me not even remotely want to get up early enough to run; and it's been much too hot to run after the sun comes up.  As with anything, I just have to get back into it.  I can't afford to backslide.  Running has been too good for my mental and physical health, so stopping isn't an option.  My life has changed so drastically for the better since I began running again, and I have to remember that.