Day Three

   I did not in any way want to wake up this morning.  I remember dismissing my alarm instead of touching the snooze button, but I did manage to wake up 13 minutes later.  I looked at the clock and wanted to turn over and go to sleep, but I remembered this little project I've started and got up.  Yes, I know the likelihood that anyone but me will read this blog is not very high, but the possibility that anyone might helps me feel more accountable. 
   Yesterday, I had already decided I needed to walk today instead of run just to give my body a break as I'm just beginning again.  I am so glad I decided to go for that walk, because the guilt from taking a day off on day three could have seriously derailed me.
   Had I not done my exercise today, I would have blamed it on yesterday.  Yesterday, my dear three-year-old daughter decided to have an absolute meltdown while shopping.  I told her if she acted up again we would leave; and, when she did, we did.  I put all the stuff back, grabbed my purse and walked my crying, shrieking little bundle of joy to the car.  I thought it was bad at that point, but shit hadn't yet gotten real.  When my daughter realized the book and toy she had selected weren't going home with us?  That's when shit got real.  I really needed to go get diapers, so we were going to go to another store before heading to my in-laws' house... that was the plan anyway.  I told her if she didn't stop throwing a fit that instead of doing that we would go home.  She yelled at me and shushed me.  Uh-huh, that happened.  So, I put the car in reverse and came back home, with my daughter throwing a fit  -- a limbs-flailing, auditioning-for-the-part-of-Regan-in-the-remake-of-The-Exorcist fit -- almost the entire trip.  We live about 45 minutes from the city in which we were shopping, so it was a pretty unpleasant drive. She only calmed down when she realized that the fit wasn't working and that I was bringing her home anyway. 
   I'm not telling this story to complain about how terrible motherhood is but to illustrate the stress-reducing effect of feel-good endorphins.  If that would have happened last week, I would have had a meltdown myself.  More than likely, I wouldn't have even had the strength to walk out of the store.  I would have just sucked it up and let my child act like a holy terror.  I want to be a better mother and know that I have room for improvement, but the only way I can improve on that front is if I feel better as a human being.
 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  

Wondering when my parallel life slipped through

At that hairpin turn in the road

Way back when

Nothing could hold me together

I miss you and

Can't help but think

I shouldn't

have